If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Catercrombie & Fish
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Planet of the Apps.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets