If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
is this a threat
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I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Yes, but it was never about money
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks