Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet