If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I have a type: disappointing
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Does your wife know you’re single?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy