6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer