@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

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@KateWhineHall

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@OneFunnyMummy

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

@MyNameIsPappyG

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer