If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
You Might Also Like
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.