If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.