Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets