If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.