If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
this is the best day of my life
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!