If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave