Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

the icebreaker

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

very niche meme I made

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.