If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh