If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A Monday every week is excessive
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.