If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
i think we should see other cousins
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.