If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.