If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.