Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

they split up moments later

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy