If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals