If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!