If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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This is my favorite one of these!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I hope it’s French Onion!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
feetloaf
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
if you relate to me, get some help
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.