Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

this is literally a CIA plant

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else