If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
New Tinder profile.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My dad is at it again
