Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant