If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
going to the ER y’all need anything
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
A friend helps you before you need it
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.