If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You Might Also Like
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
my astrological sign is a french fry
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.