If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.