If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Don’t talk down to me
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …