Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park