If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I just tested negative for patience.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.