Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.