Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Leonardo DiCaprisun

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.