If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there