If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.