If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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*pokes sex life with a stick
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
