Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”