If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Can confirm.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
