If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days