Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

🤣😂🤣😂

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.