If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
This poor dog
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos