If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.