If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry