If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there鈥檚 Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl鈥檚 pictures??
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
just having fun
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.