Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

181.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …