Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.