Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

cat faces on other animals, a thread

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.