Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Don’t frighten the programmers!

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.