if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind