if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Cake safety first. Always.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….