if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
love it when they get my name right
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other