If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
