If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
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My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
i was baptized in a car wash
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
This is hilarious
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave