If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.