If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.