Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sheer Arrogance”

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Sex so good you see dead people.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

pictures of spider-man

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I cannot call her anything else now

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”