If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on