If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
But I really needed water water water
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph