If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
when you order from DoorDastardly
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick