Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.