Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

im all 3

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.