If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You Might Also Like
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Childbirth is so beautiful
🍞🦆
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?