If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You Might Also Like
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Cheers Twitter.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!