@caliluvgirl77

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

@AshleyFrankly

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

@mollzbenn

Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien

@mommajessiec

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@bingowings14

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.