My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.