If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?