If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me