If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.