If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me and the Superbowl rn
*swipes right on my hand mirror
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”