Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

ㅤ

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what