Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured