Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago