If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.