If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
These aliens are taking forever.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*