If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎