if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My teenage children choosing violence
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
So the ex texted me
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.