if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
You Might Also Like
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
RT if you could go either way.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”