if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12