Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well